So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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