I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
