For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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