bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
