Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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