i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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