I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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