I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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