Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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