The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
