sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
