textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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