She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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