Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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