you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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