Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
