I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
