I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
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