If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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