I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
