I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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