this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
