Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
