I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
