I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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