I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize