this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize