Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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