I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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