my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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