I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
