The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize