but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
