Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
