I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
