His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize