did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
