Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
