Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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