eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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