So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
