I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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