just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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