first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
