I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I have aggressive nipples.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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