Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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