It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
