Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
