Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
