she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
