if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
her facebook's as public as her vagina
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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