So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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