We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
