you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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