I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
