4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
