Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
