Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You are the jesus of drinking
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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