I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Randomize
