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Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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