I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We had to coat check the pizza.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
