If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
