I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
